my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
