we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
