Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
