so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
