my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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