if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize