I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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