Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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