I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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