I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize