you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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