Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
