A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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