The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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