he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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