Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
