Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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