Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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