I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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