UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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