Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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