the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
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