well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
