Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
