im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
