When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
