My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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