my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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