he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize