I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you told grandpa to call you daddy
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
