I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize