u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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