I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
