you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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