never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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