her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
