Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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