I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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