did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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