textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
