I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
