All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
