A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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