Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
