You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
