Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize