he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
