My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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