Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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