Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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