Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
