There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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