just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
