Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
