Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
