you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
