dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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