Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I can text with my tongue
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
