if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
