She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
