My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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