you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
