Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
