I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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