I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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