Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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