btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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