U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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