We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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